Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Review of 'Pirates of the Caribbean 3'—Awful, bloody awful!

[I was searching for an old academic paper I wrote a couple years back and stumbled upon this review I wrote immediately after seeing 'Pirates 3.' I may be partial, but I think I properly summarize the film's many awful qualities ;). ]

This is a terrible movie; however, sad as it is, the majority of consumers are not going to see it that way.

Like "The Simpsons Movie," "At World's End" (AWE for short--but trust me, I was in no such state) is an example of previous success blinding objectivity. In the case of the Simpsons, the show's previous and unprecedented success was a nice big distraction to the film's lame, half-baked execution.

And with AWE, we get an entire series born off of one performance--that being Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow in the first film--that so charmed audiences that they'll sit through whatever sludge director Gore Verbinski chooses to drag them through, just as long as they see Depp. However, like "Simpsons," AWE is a terrible movie.

Where to start, though? For a movie this flawed, it's a challenge. Verbinski direction is lazy. Showing absolutely no control over the film, he let's the plot spiral out into the horizon, aimlessly moving around with no end in sight. Yes, I have already been told by shameful supporters of this film that "it's just a complex plot, and you need to pay attention!" Wanna see a complex plot that works? watch "Memento." Want to see the plot of a director and writers who find themselves far more clever then they truly are? watch AWE. Honestly, if one more character swapped allegiances throughout the course of this trainwreck, I would have wept.

And, as a side-note, watch how the film builds up the ridiculous 'Calypso' storyline, only to completely abandon it without a moments hesitation. People, this is bad film making--please take notice.

Which brings me to the script, which is equally bad. Bearing more holes than Swiss Cheese, the awfulness of the script makes you slightly hold off on Verbinski, seeing that nobody short of Orson Welles could direct a script this geriatric and unnecessarily convoluted. And plot aside, the dialogue is also terrible, made worse by the film's downright terrible performances.

I said it with "Dead Man's Chest" and I'll say it again, Depp is bored with this character. His Jack Sparrow of AWE is a shadow of the fun it was in the first film, and I didn't even enjoy him THAT much altogether in "Curse of the Black Pearl." What he's become is a caricature of himself, and he'll ride that cliché into the sunset, as long as executives keep paying and brain dead consumers keep watching. In all fairness (and you won't find any in this review), Orlando Bloom should not be an actor. Nothing more than a product of the "Lord of the Rings" mega-trilogy, he's riding on the bank ability of himself, except unlike Depp, he can't act to save his life. Watch this film, and watch of the LOTR films...they are the EXACT same character. Oh yeah, there is a difference--their NAMES.

And then there is Keira Knightly, who has proven herself a capable actress elsewhere--but here, under Verbinski, she suffers just the same. But there was one particular moment of this movie that was revelatory, and I can thank Ms. Knightly for providing me with the moment.

There a part in the film where Knightly's Elizabeth Swan gives a 'rousing' speech to her crew, rallying them up to fight the forces of evil. Watching that, I realized that the entire "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise is nothing more than a poor-man's "Master and Commander." Possessing not even a quarter of MaC's intelligence, craftsmanship, or wit, the PotC franchise is Diet MaC.

Yet it still works and brings in the greenbacks, which I suppose is a testament to Depp's performance in the first film, and which also acts as a great inspiration to aspiring film makers around the world. If you want to find success, do not, by any means, make a great film; instead, make a film that is structurally flawed, but one that features an original, white-hot lead character with a charming actor and by golly, you will be on your way!

All in all, that's NOT a pirate's life for me!

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